His Redivorce
by Hadyn-Ark
Summary: Ted had said it, hadn't he? "You may now do whatever the hell you want!" Perry intends to. He just needs to work up the courage... JDOX, non-graphic slash oneshot!


(A/N) I have several idea's for oneshots sitting in my folders, typed up in about a single paragraph, that have been waiting for their spot light for the longest time. With my long absence, I decided to type one of them up. I took particular joy in this one. You'll have just as much fun reading it, I promise.

This take's place around the time when Jordan and Perry suddenly found out that they were still married, but this is with a twist. Obviously, Jordan and Perry aren't in any sort of relationship, other than some twisted form of friendship. Jack may or may not exist, that's up to you. This is only a one shot. This particular scene is from the end of the episode, where Jordan and Perry get officially divorced and are gathered with everyone at some sort of park for a celebration.

R&R

~Hadyn

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"You may now do whatever the hell you want!"

Perry heaved the hugest sigh of relief at Ted's proclamation, for at last the marriage fiasco with Jordan was done with and over. And truly, he could now do whatever the hell he wanted, and a few things came to mind easily... but first he had to deal with a certain succubus of an ex-wife.

"So, how are you doing to celebrate our re-divorce, Per'? An entire bottle of scotch would normally be my guess, but if the puppy dog eyes you've been sending DJ is anything to by...." She trailed off, letting Perry supply his own answer.

_I'll be spending my night in an entirely different kind of intoxication..._ He thought absently.

Jordan surveyed him intently.

"Oh, you are _so_ whipped!" She concluded gleefully.

"Oh, do shut up!" he snapped, coming to. "Just what on this god-forsaken earth makes you think that I and the kid are going to be dancing the vertical tango tonight, or _any_ night- oh no you don't, Jordan Godzilla Sullivan, you wipe that grin of your face!"

The grin on her face quickly progressed to full out laughter, much to Perry's (secret) mortification. The laughter sent chills down their guest's spines, quickly clearing the general vicinity.

"Bullshit me all you want Per," she said when she finally stopped laughing, "but it's clear to both of us what you want. Have you tried approaching him at all yet?"

Leave it to Jordan to shamelessly poke her long crooked nose where it didn't belong. There was no way in hell he was letting her get her way freely, not this time! He glared to show her his conviction, tightening his jaw to really get the message across.

She simply arched her eyebrow, giving him _that_ look.

"No." He admitted, trying to withhold his embarrassment.

"Well then how the hell are you going to get him into your bed in just one day? You don't have the balls to manage such a feat, even if the kid didn't look as if he'd instantly fall at your feet in worship if you asked him."

"I so do have the balls! And I bet I could get him into bed with just three words, _easily._"

"That simple is it?" She narrowed her eyes gleefully. "Then do it."

She spun off in a random direction and quickly left Perry behind, completely stunned at the suddenness of his predicament.

Just what the hell was he supposed to do now?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"I know something you don't know!"

JD stared openly at Ted, wondering what exactly he was supposed to say to the bald mans sudden declaration. He'd been happily minding his own business, sampling food and conversing with other people, before the man had suddenly approached him. Caught mid-bite in his chips and dip he struggled with a suitable answer

"Good... for you?" He extended, tentatively.

"Do you know how rare this is?!" Ted continued, grinning even _wider_. "I _never _know people's secrets, and no one _ever_ tells me the good gossip, but now I know the secret about you and Dr. Cox, when even _you _don't!"

"Me and Dr. Cox? But... nothing's happening with us."

"That's what you think!"

Ted stood there, swaying slightly in his maddened ecstasy.

"If you only knew!" He crowed. "If you only knew that you and Dr. Cox were going to be doing _it_ all night long. Can you believe that? _You _and _Dr. Cox,_ having _sex_?"

"What?!"

"I know, I know! It's unbelievable, but it's true! Somehow, sometime today, Dr. Cox is going to try and lure _you_ into his bed, at least that's what Ms. Sullivan says... And if what she says is true, Dr. Cox has wanted you for a long time! And- and..." He trailed off, deflating so visibly that you could almost hear the air pouring out of him. "And... I just told you the secret."

JD could only stare, the cogs in his head just barely regaining their function. Yet, an idea was being born...

"I guess this is why no one ever tells me their secrets..."

"Yeah, that's nice Ted..." Said JD absently.

"Say Ted," he continued after a moment's thoughtful pause, "how would you like to help me out with something?"

_"Me_?" Ted said incredulously, perking up instantly.

"Yeah. I think you may be just the man for the job I have in mind..."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_Just walk over there! No, no, wait for him to come to you! Yeah, he's bound to spring himself on you eventually, he always does... Ah hell! What do I do when he does? Goddamn it, why am I even doing what Jordan told me? Just who the hell does she think she is? Ah, to hell with it Per'... you KNOW she's not the one you're mad at. 'Cause really, how pathetic does a guy have to be to need his newly re-divorced ex-wife kick his ass into doing what he's wanted to do for months?_

Perry scowled to himself, feeling frustrated beyond belief with his entire predicament. He _knew_ that his entire attitude towards his newbie bordered on cruelty. He called him names, belittled him, embarrassed him, and constantly heaped extra work on him. He was a like a boy with his first crush, acting out for attention in the only way he knew how. And now he was supposed to turn all that around in one day? How could a man like Perry convince a man like JD that they should be together? Perry was hard where JD was soft, mean where he was kind, withdrawn and bitter while JD lived his life with fervor.

_Just what am I going to do...?_

And then suddenly he was there, his newbie. While Perry had spent the last half-hour brooding next to the punch bowl (the only substitute he had for his scotch at the moment), JD had been making his way around the food-laden tables, piling his plate with an assortment of food (even for a re-divorce celebration, Jordan sure liked to go full out). Nearing the end of his selection he had approached the punch bowl_, and was, right this minute, smiling at Perry_!

"Hi Dr. Cox, having fun?"

Perry scrambled for a purchase on the sudden twist in his situation.

"Uh, yeah. Been having lots of... Lots of..."

"Fun."

"Yeah...fun. There's been plenty of that."

Was that a mischievous gleam in his newbie's eyes?

"Well that's good. Wouldn't want for you to be sad during your... divorce celebration."

"Yeah..."

_What the hell, Perry?! Is that all you can say?!_

"So hey, newbie-"

"JD!"

_Someone is going to die; someone is going to DIE for interrupting my moment! And that someone is... TED?!_

"JD," said the lawyer, "You see that guy over there?"

"The one with the face like an elephant?"

"No, no, the one next to him!"

"What- oh! You mean the hot looking one?"

_What now?_

"Yeah! I overheard him talking, and he's so into you!"

_Is this is really Ted speaking? Not Barbie? Not Gandhi?_

"Really?"

_Wait, 'into him'? This guy is into MY newbie?_ _No way is JD interested in that creep, that blond, tall... creep..._

"Hey Dr. Cox, hold this for me?"

"Wha-?"

JD's plate of food was shoved into Perry's grasp, and Perry could only watch, stunned, as JD approached the handsome blond.

_No. This is not happening, this is NOT happening!_

"I think they'll look cute as a couple," Ted commented lightly. "What about you, Dr. Cox?"

_"No!" _

Perry was _not_ going to allow this to happen. Still snarling, he stalked after JD, who was already well into a lively conversation with the blond man, while said blond man allowed his eyes to sweep up and down JD's form, lingering in all the wrong places.

"Hey, jackass!"

The blond looked up, just in time to receive a huge plateful of food, followed by an oh-so-delicious knuckle sandwich.

"Dr. Cox!" JD yelped, "You didn't have to punch him! Barry, are you alright?!"

The blond, Barry, whimpered. "What the hell did you do that for, you-?"

Perry didn't stick around to hear the mans complaints. He seized JD by the wrist and quickly pulled him away from the scene. Handling JD as gently as his could in his anger, he led him as far away as the celebration as he could get, until they stood at the edge of a river, and then stood there, still holding JD's wrist, as both men caught their breath's.

_This is it!_ They simultaneously thought.

"I'm sure you're wondering what that was about, you've every right to...

He hesitated long enough for one massive intake of breath, then launched forward, into lands unknown.

"Newbie, JD, this might be hard to believe or even to understand really, god knows I don't understand it... But I... I have these feelings... that is to say, I... I really like you, JD. Like, _like _you."

_God, how juvenile can you get? Don't waste your one and only shot!_

"And not just in the "god, I wish I could hit that" way, but in other ways as well. I want to be _more_, I want.... Well I guess you could say that I want the sex, but I want the cuddling afterwards as well."

"Though I could probably put it better than that... What I'm trying to really say, is that-"

"I think you've said enough," said JD solemnly, interrupting his rambling confession and causing Perry's heart to freeze mid-beat. "It's a lot more than three words, at any rate."

"Wait, _what?!_" Perry's heart jump started with a vengeance.

JD grinned, and beckoned Perry closer. Stunned yet again, he could do nothing but lean in. JD also leaned closer, until his mouth grazed the very edges of Perry's ear. Perry's whole body shivered at the just the slight contact, and there was no doubting himself when it came to what he heard next-

"Here's four good words for you, Per'."

"My place or yours?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_Later..._

"You know... should really apologize to Elliot's brother tomorrow."

"Brother...? Wait! That was _that _Barry?"

"Yup. And he really didn't deserve that punch, you know. He was only helping me out. Not to mention how mad Elliot will be when she finds out. Can you imagine what it would be like to be yelled at by _two_ hyper and neurotic blonds who can scream ridiculously high pitched?"

"Dear god."

"Exactly. Oh, and remind me to thank him and Ted for their help. You would have never worked up the courage to approach me otherwise."

"I would have gotten there just fine!"

"Sure, Perry. Now, where's that cuddling I was promised?"


End file.
